Thursday, November 20, 2008

Shhh...Twiglight SPOILER!!!

OK, Crystal's off for the night and in a few hours will be propping up her eyelids with toothpicks so she can try to stay awake and watch Twiglight. Well, what some of you might not know is that I'm in the movie biz. Now, hear me out before you laugh to hard. It's true, I'm in "the biz." I might not always say things that are the truth, but that statement is 100% dyed in the wool (what the freak does that really mean) TRUE!!! I'm in "the biz." Has it sunk in yet? Need another minute or two? Ok, you got 2 minutes while I get Tyler out of his high chair and get him some milk.

....Ok, that was only a minute, but you all are mature enough to get over it in a minute or less., let's continue.

Crystal is gone, yadda yadda yadda ("I mentioned the bisque!"), and I'm in the movie biz. See, I support the Kodak Digital Cinema equipment which means I know a bit about movies and stuff....and I even get a bit of insider a pre-release copy of Twiglight. See, if our equipment fails to show, and we don't know until the theater is packed with thousands of....vampires....then we don't look good. So, they often send us out movies to test so we don't look like idiots come 12:01am on any given day.

So, now that she's gone I can FINALLY tell my faithful readers about the show.

It's far as teenage vampires go. Edward goes about doing his vampire duties and falls in love with Ariel. They go off to college where he majors in......what else but.....phlebotomy. She stays home and has 2.5 vampmaids (did you get that? a combination of vampire and mermaid....see, Ariel is a mermaid....WHY do I have to explain these things to you people?)....or is it merpires.

The plot thickens as Edward gets prostate cancer. Early diagnosis shows that there is hope, but one day while out vamping around town, sucks on a pig that was fed corn that was fertilized by a mad cow, and before Edward can go see the doc, he turns into......a flying pig.

When Edward returns home, he tries to explain to Ariel what happened, but all he can get out is "oink oink, i vant to suck your blooood." Well, Ariel not knowing what to do, and being rightfully scared, swims back to Atlantis and get's George Clooney (stupid Hollywood throwing in famous people just to up their sales) who comes out of the water (yes, the Cloonmeister is a malemaid....a dudemaid.....and manmaid......I don't remember). Well, the Clooninator swims up to the land and upon seeing Ed-pig-O he realizes he is hungry and missed breakfast. (go ahead, gasp a big one, because you know what's coming.....) So, the Cloontastic Cloonster busts out a wooden knife (see, vampires need to be stabbed with a wooden stake (hmmm...steak sounds good right now)) and does a number on old Pigward, and next thing you know.......mmmmm.....bacon!!!!

Needless to say, I REALLY hope their will be a international sequel, because I've really got a hankering (there's another strange word) for some Canadian Bacon!!!

(for all of you real Twiglight fans out there, I warned you that this was a knew better than to read got what you deserved.... a wasted 3 minutes of your life!!!)

.....I mentioned the bisque!


Danielle said...

It's mer-man, Michael.

Crystal, you should change your password.


Janet said...

okay, so i'm flinging much gratitude your way, 'cause now i don't have to leave the warm fuzzies of my home, hubby and three monkeys to go out in this outside ick and sit in a dark, slightly smelly theatre with a few of my closest friends while conversing (well, not during most of the show) in adult-like conversation!!! Thanks, Mike!

MIKE said...

Janet, with the words "monkeys" "smelly" and "flinging" all in the same sentence, your comment could have taken a whole new meaning!

You're welcome, by the way!

Danielle - I knew i was missing one! Thanks!

j peters said...

mike- you are too funny!