Thursday, February 5, 2009

SWM Ventriloquist Seeking SWF Ventriloquist For Friendship and Possibly More

(Get ready....another post from've been warned)

For those so far removed from "single" (like myself), here's a brief review of the acronyms.

SWM = Single White Male
SWF = Single White Female

So, do you ever feel like a ventriloquist? Come on, think back as far as you can and see if you can my night last night.

Never in a thousand years (or 34.8 years) did I ever think that my days as a youth longing to be a ventriloquist would ever come true. Well, they came true....and the little lifeless doll ran around and bit my dreams in the hootie! (yes, hootie, as in Hootie and the Blowfish, but then used in the mid to late 1990's as a slang word for the buttocks)

Darius says: "HEY - Nice hootie!"

Where was I? Oh, yes, ventriloquism and last night.

So, who would have thought that I'd actually get a chance to use the ventriloquism I once practiced as a young boy growing up in "da hood" of Greece (one of the safest places in the country, so they say) NY? Well, last night it happened.

What was so special about last night? Well, last night was the night we went to my parents house for the annual family photo. "Ah Yes" some of you minions might be saying now, because you know what's coming. But, for those who don't know, or don't have children over the age of 4 months, let me explain. I have 4 wonderful (at times) children (at times.) So, this means that Grandpa places us all in our respective spots and we try to sit up straight and smile at the camera. We had simple, predetermined, pre-announced, pre-threatened plans to make sure this doesn't take 48 hours to accomplish.

So, there we are, sitting in our spots. Mom and I put on our best smiles and the kids start looking in EVERY direction, and doing EVERYTHING that we didn't need for the photo.....and then comes the ventriloquism that I once thought was so cool. I'm sitting there, eyes focused on the camera in my own tunnel vision world, with the best smile I could give, while trying to bark out commands. "Seth, hands down." "Brooke, smile like a princess." "Tyler, look at Grandpa." McKee was doing well just sitting there and doing what Grandpa asked. "Tyler, tell Grandpa 'choo choo train'." "SETH, LOOK AT THE CAMERA." "I was going to give you guys a cookie, but I'm not sure now." "Look at the camera everybody." All the while I'm grinning and trying to keep focus......Hootie and his blowfish would be proud!

Rumor has it that after about 45 minutes of this act, we got a good photo where everyone was looking at the camera, and a few people smiled.....even this guy --->

Crystal might post the picture later if you all behave!

Fortunately I've already found my SWFV (that's you Crystal, in case you are wondering) and I don't miss the days of sitting next to girls saying "you're hot, wanna make out" without moving my mouth, so if they said "NO WAY YOU FREAKING SCUM BAG!" I could then just blame it on the doll!!!

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